Thoughts on Thanksgiving Day

I have been going through a challenging phase lately ... mostly due to life events and perimenopause. It truly sucks. Let me give you a picture of my mind in chaos ...

1. I have enemies but they don't know it ... at home, in social situations, at work, in class even. Sometimes yes, even at random places where I felt slighted or irritated. Invented or not, it felt real in my head. 
   
   
2. I have regrets, "what-ifs". I will not expound on it but it's enough to say that I did. I am not a regretful person; I usually accept my decisions and go for it or recalibrate if needed but I don't usually spend time with "what-ifs". I have always thought it's a waste of time to think back. People closest to me can attest that I have survived my many challenging life events by thinking positive, by acknowledging that "things happen for a reason" and for finding that "blessing in disguise".  I have decided to not just simply show up, I move forward. But not this time. I felt sorry for myself and entertained every single regret that I can muster. Pitiful.
   
   
3. So that made me really sad. I have many extreme emotions, but sadness is not one of them.  I felt sad and I did not know how to handle it.

So yesterday, on Canada Thanksgiving Day, I came to the realization that I have been miserable because I stopped being grateful. I am a "silver lining" kind of person and that helped me survive this crazy world we live in.  But then I stopped being grateful, and -- not to sound overly dramatic, I spiraled.  I misread the signs, the goodness in things and started dwelling on the negative. I thought I had it worse, and I stopped thinking about the blessings in my life. My old content self took a backseat too long. 

So all this sorry shit has to stop. From today, I restart my gratitude campaign and appreciate my blessings, instead of the things I don't have, or will never have.

To start, I made a list of the 5 things that I am mostly grateful for:

1. My uber-independent Kids who give back.
2. Relationships that make life more colorful.
3. A career that develops and sustains us (and my hobbies!) financially.
4. Good health that allows me to pursue my life goals.
5. And most importantly, joie de vivre that keeps me hopeful and excited for the future. 

Easy Go Lucky

I can almost hear my Mother say it ... "easy-go-lucky" like it's a word or a thing.  She first described me this way when I was in College.  We were in a beauty salon and the hair stylist commented that I looked young for my age.  My Mother responded, without batting an eyelash, "Oo, easy-go-lucky kasi yan."   I felt slighted then, irritated even but now I'm just trying to keep the smile off my face as I remember her "pet name" for me.

In retrospect, I agree with her.  I was easy-going and happy-go-lucky rolled into one when I was younger so yes, Mother is right again -- "easy-go-lucky" is a thing.  Exhibit A - Jaine Catalasan.

When I was younger, I was carefree especially at home. I was the child who wouldn't bother to check if the doors are locked, or if there's food to eat, or if the house is a mess. I was serious enough about a lot of things (school, relationships, my beliefs) but I wasn't responsible, or reliable.  My family called me lazy and because they did, I just made myself even lazier. I didn't want to disappoint them ;-).

But God has a way of teaching me. He blessed me with a child at a time that I wasn't ready. I was old enough but I wasn't my age emotionally. I was barely out of College and there I was, waiting for a child I had no idea how to raise. I can feel it in my bones that family and friends thought I was going to fail BIG TIME.  But then I was stubborn, I forced myself to grow up so I can be an adult to Maia, then later to Aaliyah and Anika. I wasn't naturally nurturing or motherly or domesticated so the thought scared me A LOT. I didn't want to fail my kids so I made a decision to be a good Mother - or at least die trying.

The truth is, I never liked structure, or routine.  I have always wanted spontaneity, to do things at the drop of a hat but I knew then that that part of me will have to take a backseat. Or so I thought.  Funny thing is, nature almost always wins. Although I learned to be responsible and disciplined, a lot of times I slip - my "easy-go-lucky" self comes out, so its not unusual for us to be out on a school day watching a movie, or eat dessert for dinner, or trek to the supermarket at 9pm for ice cream.  There was one time Anika and I ate trick or treat candies for dinner while binge-watching until midnight. Not good but I'm pretty sure she loved it!

But what I lacked in Motherhood 101 skills, I compensate by being a BFF, the errand girl and cheerleader to my kids; the Mom they can talk to. My easy-go-lucky nature made it easy for me to be their friend.  I wasn't their water girl (I will likely forget the water) but I would run to the mall just before closing to get them the school stuff they needed at the last minute, embellish their costumes until midnight because they felt it was too plain, wake up early to bring them to swim or taekwondo class, or painstakingly prepare for their birthday parties, picnics and playdates. I will also sit on the bleachers for 8 hours to watch a competition, or wait at a nearby drugstore for Maia to end her 1am shift.  It's not special, I know, but I THINK my kids appreciate it, even if they catch a cold because I forgot to wipe the sweat off their backs.  Or go to school with tangled curls because I didn't bother to brush their hair.

Although at first I felt guilty, even ashamed of my mothering, over time, I have learned to forgive myself for being an "easy-go-lucky" Mom. I tried to go against my nature but I failed half the time so for my sanity, I just embraced it. It is what it is.

Good Old Friends Are Hard to Find so Don't Lose Them.

This question opened our weekly team meeting today.  Fresh from a 2-day Leadership Planning session, our new Lead thought it would be a great idea to try this new approach which was shared by one of our Managing Partners. Our most charismatic Managing Partner, if I may add.

It was some sort of an ice breaker and maybe a way for all of us to get to know each other better. Some parameters were set - it has to be personal but work-appropriate, no typical answers like "the day my child was born" or "the day I got married". It has to be specific, but not so expected.  It wasn't exactly an easy question especially if you were only given a minute or less to rethink your past.  For a 40-sumthin' girl like me, that's a looooong time.

But still, I had my answer.  It was a thought I've had for quite some time -- since my Mother passed I think, or the days that followed our move to North America.  My answer was not exactly reliving the past, but more of changing something from it. In short, REGRETS.

Sometime ago, when I entered adulthood, I missed the value of cultivating relationships outside of my immediate family and workmates which was inevitable since you spend a good 10 hours a day, 5 times a week together.  It felt like all my energies were focused only on these two major relationship "categories".  I didn't spend enough time with others like my College buddies, childhood friends, and yes, even my Parents and siblings.  I felt that these relationships already exist, cultivating them wasn't as critical as cultivating new ones.

I realize that I sounded dramatic so let me say that I still had occasional moments with my old relationships ... a drink (or two) after a hectic MBA class night, birthday get-togethers, quick weekday lunches with batch mates, infrequent weekend meet ups in between errands, or those big production weekend lunches with everyone's kids and husbands. I was sufficiently social with them but looking back, I know now that the quality of the time I spent with my older relationships wasn't enough.  I felt that I wasn't always 100% there.  I was always thinking of home or even work.  I missed out on a lot of serious one-on-one sessions with my BFFs from College, weekend visits to my Parents, siblings and their family.  I was always the one with the excuse not to go, or to leave early. If my family will be left behind at home, I won't go.  I thought I had all I needed in the comfort of my own home. I was right, but partly wrong too.

I didn't spend a lot of time with old friends not because I didn't care for them anymore.  I did and I still do - I just thought our shared past is enough.  The energy was still there, the friendship was just as strong but we were so out of each others lives.  The moments of togetherness were so few that you're left with very little to talk about except the past and some updates on what you've been doing since the last meet-up 60 or so moons ago. It felt like you stopped growing together and just relive past fun times over and over and over again.  It was still cool, but it would been great to go back to that mode where arguing about differing POVs was normal, discussing current events was interesting, attack each other's value system was exciting (LOL!), etc.  It would be good go back to the time when you were both learning new things and exploring ideas together.  Just like old times when it felt safe to talk then go home and feel that you're friends more than ever.  The time when you felt that you know him or or so well you can finish each other's sentences.

As for my Parents and siblings, I had time for them.  Not a lot, and not because I was the first to seek them out.  I see them when I'm in the area. It was easy meeting with my Mother.  She comes to the house, we go have lunch, we go to the mall or have a foot spa together. My sisters and I have our long lunches too. But now that I am out of the country, I realized that the time we had wasn't enough. Now my Mom is gone and no matter how much time we spent together while she was alive, I still feel sad about the times I had no energy to stay longer, or the times we fought, or the times I was absent-mindedly just nodding while in conversation.  They were all lost opportunity. It was quality time spoiled by reality. All those taken for granted moments are now rushing back and I wish I enjoyed them more.  We could have done more, laughed more if only I wasn't so focused on my home or my life.  We could have travelled together with my Sisters but we only managed a few times.  We always said "later, when the kids are bigger" or "later, when we have more money", but we did not anticipate that I will be leaving the country, and that she will be passing on.

So now I know how important it is to cultivate relationships - old and new; to spend quality time; to be there 100% of the little time you have together.  Let it become a lesson to people like me who think that today is such a busy day, that today there is no room for relationships other than with those within the confines of your home or your office, that there is an excuse for not spending time with others who matter.  There is always room for more people in your life.  Don't ignore the rest and focus only on a few.  Spending time away from your family doesn't mean you love them less, it just means you have enough space for more in your life.  As it should be.


(Photo borrowed from www.everydaythinkers.com)

Covey's Habit #7: Sharpen the Saw

Yesterday was an eye opener for me. I was alone at home, bored (I don't like winter!) so I decided to watch TV. Got myself coffee, found a good spot on the sofa, and picked up the remote.  I was ready.  I turned the TV on. Nothing happened. Just a few words on the black screen.  I remembered we don't have cable TV, just network TV. Darn. What was it again?! Click on Source then what?!  Cable? HDMI 1? HDMI 2? TV?.  NO IDEA!!! I was getting desperate because I couldn't make the TV work. The clock is ticking, my lunch break was almost over.  Someone who works for a leading technology firm can't be seen in this embarrassing TV situation. 

I just realized that I relied too much on Joric and the girls to do these things for me. Whenever it's time to watch TV, I just find my spot on the sofa and wait for one of them to take care of the rest.  Now I feel like my Mother (sorry, Nay!).  When we were younger, she would ask us to turn on the TV, find the channel she wants - ALL THE TIME. She didn't bother to learn how to operate the TV - they had us, her girls.  Now it's weird - I feel like I am her, at 43!  I'm the type of girl who reads manuals and figures out how things work as soon as they're out of the box -- computer, camera, home appliances.  I used to know how to work the DVD player with the TV.  For some reason, in the last few years maybe, I let myself go. I can't operate our TV. I have forgotten to sharpen some parts of the saw. How uncool is that?!

So I challenged myself. I remembered Maia's old netbook. It needed fixing. I will fix it. Challenge accepted. I took it out and decided to restore it to its factory settings. No idea how so I did some research, found the info I needed and worked on it. In less than an hour, it was done. Whew. Next, reinstall Microsoft Office. Installation CD, check.  CD drive, missing.  Mmmmm .... back to the web, did some research and found the download site. Tried it once, twice, thrice and it failed.  The installation file didn't work, it didn't have the right extension. The instruction said not to change the filename.  That's odd ... should be *.exe.  Change it, don't listen to the instructions. YOU know better.  It worked. Wow. It felt great.  It really did.  I still have it. LOL.

Now I know how laziness can be deterimental. You always have to sharpen the saw to keep up, or you'll turn stale. First the TV, then what?

Til Death Do Us Part

It was March 14, 2013.  It started like a normal day, one of the few times I  felt like dressing up and going to the office. I was also looking forward to having lunch with my eldest daughter and her boyfriend in a hip, upscale restaurant Midtown.

Halfway through the meal, the news came. They want to get married ... in a month. "But you're only 20!!!" I said, in between sobs.  Soon after, my emotions went on full speed. I didn't know exactly how I felt.

Confused?! Check.
Angry?! For a brief moment.
Disappointed?! Mmmm, not really.
Numb?! I certainly hope so, for my sake, but no.

I went through these range of emotions in a span of 10, maybe 15 minutes. We were at Momofoku, a restaurant they both love. It was their treat so I was feeling good about lunch. I thought they only wanted to show off the much talked-about Pork Buns. Halfway through the meal, I realized that the saying "no such thing as a free lunch" is not an age-old saying for nothing. I should have been warned when I saw them seated at the corner, away from the lunch crowd. My instincts were off, apparently.  If it weren't, I would have sensed it and made excuses to walk away to delay the news.

But it was there. The proposal was right in front of me. The profession of love. The promise to take care of each other. The assurance that they've been a couple long enough to know that they don't want to be apart.  For them, the possibility of our family leaving New York anytime is unthinkable.  They don't believe in long distance love. They just want to be together and they were sure that they are meant to be.

I was touched, as any Mother would be, at the gravity of his feelings for her.  My daughter was silent, lovingly smiling at him, holding his hand and mine.  Oddly enough, I sensed that despite the romance, their love is pragmatic (for lack of a better term).  There was that practicality to it that made me realize that maybe they're ready.  What they have - despite my daughter's age - is mature love. Not blind to reality, aware. But I had to make sure they understand hence the barrage of questions.

I asked why the rush. Nervously, I asked "Are you expecting?"  "No, Ma". Good. Sigh of relief. Silent dance of joy.

Then I asked if they're aware that it won't be easy.  There will be challenges -- financial, most of all. That when they get married, they will begin to provide for themselves. No Parents to rely on. "Nag-compute na kami, Ma. Kaya naman." I was slightly impressed, but not yet convinced.

Then I asked them, "What about your career?" I want my daughter to have a career. I would love to have grandchildren someday but to have them too soon, it will mean that my daughter will have to put her career on stand-by -- even before she has one.  To a Mother like me, that's a nightmare.  I can't stand seeing my kids stuck in the house, not pursuing their dreams, and with very limited options. They assured me kids are not yet in the plan (but accidents happen ...). They said my daughter has a job lined up in April after she graduates.  "Future SIL" is applying for a job in a restaurant, same one they worked for a couple of months back. Everything's been planned for.

I then asked, "If we say no, will you still do it?".  "Ma, we want your blessing." It dawned on me that getting married at 20 in New York is legal.  They only need our "blessing", not our consent. Suddenly, I missed the Philippines where I had more power over my children. Sigh.

So then I knew, they have decided.  I ran out of questions. I had no more fight in me so I just said I'll think about it. At that point in time, I just wanted all my worries to melt away but knew that they wouldn't.  I had to face the fact that my eldest daughter is no longer a child.

So later, after a long walk, back-to-back conference calls (yes, I still managed to work!), and more pondering with my husband, I recovered from the news.  It made me realize one thing: in life, there are no assurances. There are no definite rules or formula for success especially in marriage. Getting married when you're "old enough" is not a recipe for a successful marriage. Getting married when you're financially independent is not a guarantee either.  It all boils down to commitment - to each other, to the marriage. Sometimes, even love is not enough.  It's commitment that makes people survive and grow in relationships. 

So who's to say this will fail because she's 20, never had a boyfriend, haven't seen much of the world? I know my daughter. I know her strength and what she is capable of. I saw them together and I know there's potential. What's more, she's marrying her first love and we don't feel right standing in the way.  I'm not a fan of the telenovelas with "You and Me Against the World" themes ... too cheesy, too impractical, too messy.  Nobody ever wins.

I decided to look at the situation like it's a glass half full -- they will have more years together, more years to follow their dreams. When they celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, they will be young enough to still tour the world. 

So we gave our blessing, and assured them that whatever happens, we will be behind them. My daughter was happy. She knew that once again, we have her back.  And that extends to my future SIL.  As a Mother, I have learned that nothing is more important to my kids than support, the assurance that they will always have family through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

Hi, are you Filipino?!

I had an interesting conversation with a Pinay in the elevator this afternoon. She asked me if I'm Filipino and I excitedly said yes. The conversation went a little something like this:

Pinay 1: How long have you been here?
Pinay 2 (aka Jaine): Just a little over 3 months.
Pinay 1: Are you here for work? Do you mind if I ask where?
Pinay 2: Yes, for work. (I then told her where we both work). How about you? (of course I had to ask, it was sort of expected ...)
Pinay 1: Oh, I've been here for years!!! 20 years in New York; 35 years in the country.
Pinay 2: Long time ... you must be a citizen by now (no-brainer comment, right?! But no!)
Pinay 1: Nope, not yet. I'm so tamad to file it.
Pinay 2: Hassle?
Pinay 1: Yeah ... the form is soooo long, I don't have the time. I'm really so tamad to do it. (At this point, I was like, "Duhhh! 35 years and you don't have the time?!!!")
Pinay 2: Well, you don't really have to. You can stay as a resident and keep your Filipino citizenship.
Pinay 1: Well, no but I want to, I need to 'cause I travel ... not a lot, but I do. I want to ... 'cause you know, whenever I travel and they see my Philippine passport they're like .. (roll eyes).

And, that's how the conversation ended. I was speechless for a while but managed a smile and a weak "Have a great day!" when the elevator opened.

It made me sad to hear that. Hindi naman ako OA about being Pinoy but I'm proud of it. Not everything about it but I'm not the type who will talk badly about my country to just anyone. I will complain to Joric, my family, my friends. It stops there. I make it a point not to talk badly about our country to my children. Especially now that we're away. Anyone can ask Joric. I'm OA about that.
I wanted to tell the Lady that having brown/red/blonde hair and a new passport doesn't make her American. She's still Filipino so people in airports will still react the same way - if she expects them to. I travel too ... not a lot, but I do (pun intended) -- but I never really experienced that. Sometimes we just expect other people to scoff at us and when they do, we blame our being Filipino. Stop and think ... maybe it's YOU, not your being Filipino. Maybe it's your dress, makeup, or attitude, not our FLAG! Or better yet, maybe it's THEM because they're racists?!

Ikaw ba ang mali, tayo o sila?!

I know we feel that we don't have the best reputation in the whole world but in my short stay in New York, I've heard so many nice things about our country and our people from foreigners -- there was this French Dad in school who told me about the Filipino male nurse who took care of his Dad until he died. He said he loved that nurse, and made sure he found a new home after the Dad died. Then there's this Malaysian Mom (also at school) who came to me one day and asked me if I'm Filipino. When I said yes, she told about the wonderful time they had in the Philippines while her husband was stationed there. This woman's son was so excited to meet Aaliyah because he loved talking to Filipinos, he said. They're funny and warm. And there's this PTA Mom who kept calling me up to ask me to have a table to represent the Philippines at the school's annual International Night. She said we have a rich heritage. Wow. That was something ...

And of course, I've heard many, many people shouting "We love Pacquiao!" when they learn we're Filipinos. I know it's generic, but why not? Bask in the glory of your kababayan! Take it at face value!

There will always be people who will put us down because we are Filipinos but I believe there are more people who make us feel proud of our heritage; who will make the negative things about us trivial.   Filipino or not, we should always know what we stand for so we don't let others scoff at us. We should stop being critical of our nation unnecessarily because it gives others the license to do the same.

(Moved from FB: Jan 2012)

Jobs Loves His Job. I Do Too.

The first thing I do in the morning is check my email, then my Facebook (yes, I'm pathetic, thank you!). This morning, I saw a post from my sister's wall that inspired me to write yet another blog.  It was a quote form Steve Jobs.  It stuck the whole day because it hit the mark.

 
What Steve Jobs said is true.  It explains my sadness when I resigned from work a month ago.  Why I struggled with the thought that I will not be doing what I was doing anymore.  It was frightening and weird to wake up and not have emails to address, conference calls to dial in to, or not have my usual check-in with the team.  I hated that I don't have deadlines, that I no longer have problems to solve.  I realized that I really loved what I was doing.  I liked my job. I really like working.  That explains the emotional investment, the clarity and the boundless energy that I put in day after day.

When you like what you do, it will help you persevere in times of stress and adversity.  You might actually like most Mondays.  It also becomes natural that you develop yourself in the process especially when you embrace opportunities and consider every day as a learning experience.  You don't feel cheated off your time and energy, or need someone to show appreciation.  You don't see your job us "just work", or a source of income. If you like your job (or whatever it is that you do - school, hobby, relationship), the effort you put in becomes trivial.  Everything simply makes sense (at least most of the time) so you just do it, and enjoy the ride.

I considered my job as a game, a puzzle that I hardly tire of playing.  Of course, a little recognition helped sweeten the deal -- it's like icing on the cake.  I was told I did "great work".  Cool.  I even heard "brilliant" thrown out to describe the work we did and it inspired me to be better, and to give more. So yes, when you love what you do, there will be great results and if you're lucky, recognition and financial rewards will be served on the side too.  Soon, I hope, I will be back in the game again. It would be great to feel the rush once more.