Til Death Do Us Part

It was March 14, 2013.  It started like a normal day, one of the few times I  felt like dressing up and going to the office. I was also looking forward to having lunch with my eldest daughter and her boyfriend in a hip, upscale restaurant Midtown.

Halfway through the meal, the news came. They want to get married ... in a month. "But you're only 20!!!" I said, in between sobs.  Soon after, my emotions went on full speed. I didn't know exactly how I felt.

Confused?! Check.
Angry?! For a brief moment.
Disappointed?! Mmmm, not really.
Numb?! I certainly hope so, for my sake, but no.

I went through these range of emotions in a span of 10, maybe 15 minutes. We were at Momofoku, a restaurant they both love. It was their treat so I was feeling good about lunch. I thought they only wanted to show off the much talked-about Pork Buns. Halfway through the meal, I realized that the saying "no such thing as a free lunch" is not an age-old saying for nothing. I should have been warned when I saw them seated at the corner, away from the lunch crowd. My instincts were off, apparently.  If it weren't, I would have sensed it and made excuses to walk away to delay the news.

But it was there. The proposal was right in front of me. The profession of love. The promise to take care of each other. The assurance that they've been a couple long enough to know that they don't want to be apart.  For them, the possibility of our family leaving New York anytime is unthinkable.  They don't believe in long distance love. They just want to be together and they were sure that they are meant to be.

I was touched, as any Mother would be, at the gravity of his feelings for her.  My daughter was silent, lovingly smiling at him, holding his hand and mine.  Oddly enough, I sensed that despite the romance, their love is pragmatic (for lack of a better term).  There was that practicality to it that made me realize that maybe they're ready.  What they have - despite my daughter's age - is mature love. Not blind to reality, aware. But I had to make sure they understand hence the barrage of questions.

I asked why the rush. Nervously, I asked "Are you expecting?"  "No, Ma". Good. Sigh of relief. Silent dance of joy.

Then I asked if they're aware that it won't be easy.  There will be challenges -- financial, most of all. That when they get married, they will begin to provide for themselves. No Parents to rely on. "Nag-compute na kami, Ma. Kaya naman." I was slightly impressed, but not yet convinced.

Then I asked them, "What about your career?" I want my daughter to have a career. I would love to have grandchildren someday but to have them too soon, it will mean that my daughter will have to put her career on stand-by -- even before she has one.  To a Mother like me, that's a nightmare.  I can't stand seeing my kids stuck in the house, not pursuing their dreams, and with very limited options. They assured me kids are not yet in the plan (but accidents happen ...). They said my daughter has a job lined up in April after she graduates.  "Future SIL" is applying for a job in a restaurant, same one they worked for a couple of months back. Everything's been planned for.

I then asked, "If we say no, will you still do it?".  "Ma, we want your blessing." It dawned on me that getting married at 20 in New York is legal.  They only need our "blessing", not our consent. Suddenly, I missed the Philippines where I had more power over my children. Sigh.

So then I knew, they have decided.  I ran out of questions. I had no more fight in me so I just said I'll think about it. At that point in time, I just wanted all my worries to melt away but knew that they wouldn't.  I had to face the fact that my eldest daughter is no longer a child.

So later, after a long walk, back-to-back conference calls (yes, I still managed to work!), and more pondering with my husband, I recovered from the news.  It made me realize one thing: in life, there are no assurances. There are no definite rules or formula for success especially in marriage. Getting married when you're "old enough" is not a recipe for a successful marriage. Getting married when you're financially independent is not a guarantee either.  It all boils down to commitment - to each other, to the marriage. Sometimes, even love is not enough.  It's commitment that makes people survive and grow in relationships. 

So who's to say this will fail because she's 20, never had a boyfriend, haven't seen much of the world? I know my daughter. I know her strength and what she is capable of. I saw them together and I know there's potential. What's more, she's marrying her first love and we don't feel right standing in the way.  I'm not a fan of the telenovelas with "You and Me Against the World" themes ... too cheesy, too impractical, too messy.  Nobody ever wins.

I decided to look at the situation like it's a glass half full -- they will have more years together, more years to follow their dreams. When they celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, they will be young enough to still tour the world. 

So we gave our blessing, and assured them that whatever happens, we will be behind them. My daughter was happy. She knew that once again, we have her back.  And that extends to my future SIL.  As a Mother, I have learned that nothing is more important to my kids than support, the assurance that they will always have family through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.