Til Death Do Us Part

It was March 14, 2013.  It started like a normal day, one of the few times I  felt like dressing up and going to the office. I was also looking forward to having lunch with my eldest daughter and her boyfriend in a hip, upscale restaurant Midtown.

Halfway through the meal, the news came. They want to get married ... in a month. "But you're only 20!!!" I said, in between sobs.  Soon after, my emotions went on full speed. I didn't know exactly how I felt.

Confused?! Check.
Angry?! For a brief moment.
Disappointed?! Mmmm, not really.
Numb?! I certainly hope so, for my sake, but no.

I went through these range of emotions in a span of 10, maybe 15 minutes. We were at Momofoku, a restaurant they both love. It was their treat so I was feeling good about lunch. I thought they only wanted to show off the much talked-about Pork Buns. Halfway through the meal, I realized that the saying "no such thing as a free lunch" is not an age-old saying for nothing. I should have been warned when I saw them seated at the corner, away from the lunch crowd. My instincts were off, apparently.  If it weren't, I would have sensed it and made excuses to walk away to delay the news.

But it was there. The proposal was right in front of me. The profession of love. The promise to take care of each other. The assurance that they've been a couple long enough to know that they don't want to be apart.  For them, the possibility of our family leaving New York anytime is unthinkable.  They don't believe in long distance love. They just want to be together and they were sure that they are meant to be.

I was touched, as any Mother would be, at the gravity of his feelings for her.  My daughter was silent, lovingly smiling at him, holding his hand and mine.  Oddly enough, I sensed that despite the romance, their love is pragmatic (for lack of a better term).  There was that practicality to it that made me realize that maybe they're ready.  What they have - despite my daughter's age - is mature love. Not blind to reality, aware. But I had to make sure they understand hence the barrage of questions.

I asked why the rush. Nervously, I asked "Are you expecting?"  "No, Ma". Good. Sigh of relief. Silent dance of joy.

Then I asked if they're aware that it won't be easy.  There will be challenges -- financial, most of all. That when they get married, they will begin to provide for themselves. No Parents to rely on. "Nag-compute na kami, Ma. Kaya naman." I was slightly impressed, but not yet convinced.

Then I asked them, "What about your career?" I want my daughter to have a career. I would love to have grandchildren someday but to have them too soon, it will mean that my daughter will have to put her career on stand-by -- even before she has one.  To a Mother like me, that's a nightmare.  I can't stand seeing my kids stuck in the house, not pursuing their dreams, and with very limited options. They assured me kids are not yet in the plan (but accidents happen ...). They said my daughter has a job lined up in April after she graduates.  "Future SIL" is applying for a job in a restaurant, same one they worked for a couple of months back. Everything's been planned for.

I then asked, "If we say no, will you still do it?".  "Ma, we want your blessing." It dawned on me that getting married at 20 in New York is legal.  They only need our "blessing", not our consent. Suddenly, I missed the Philippines where I had more power over my children. Sigh.

So then I knew, they have decided.  I ran out of questions. I had no more fight in me so I just said I'll think about it. At that point in time, I just wanted all my worries to melt away but knew that they wouldn't.  I had to face the fact that my eldest daughter is no longer a child.

So later, after a long walk, back-to-back conference calls (yes, I still managed to work!), and more pondering with my husband, I recovered from the news.  It made me realize one thing: in life, there are no assurances. There are no definite rules or formula for success especially in marriage. Getting married when you're "old enough" is not a recipe for a successful marriage. Getting married when you're financially independent is not a guarantee either.  It all boils down to commitment - to each other, to the marriage. Sometimes, even love is not enough.  It's commitment that makes people survive and grow in relationships. 

So who's to say this will fail because she's 20, never had a boyfriend, haven't seen much of the world? I know my daughter. I know her strength and what she is capable of. I saw them together and I know there's potential. What's more, she's marrying her first love and we don't feel right standing in the way.  I'm not a fan of the telenovelas with "You and Me Against the World" themes ... too cheesy, too impractical, too messy.  Nobody ever wins.

I decided to look at the situation like it's a glass half full -- they will have more years together, more years to follow their dreams. When they celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, they will be young enough to still tour the world. 

So we gave our blessing, and assured them that whatever happens, we will be behind them. My daughter was happy. She knew that once again, we have her back.  And that extends to my future SIL.  As a Mother, I have learned that nothing is more important to my kids than support, the assurance that they will always have family through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

Hi, are you Filipino?!

I had an interesting conversation with a Pinay in the elevator this afternoon. She asked me if I'm Filipino and I excitedly said yes. The conversation went a little something like this:

Pinay 1: How long have you been here?
Pinay 2 (aka Jaine): Just a little over 3 months.
Pinay 1: Are you here for work? Do you mind if I ask where?
Pinay 2: Yes, for work. (I then told her where we both work). How about you? (of course I had to ask, it was sort of expected ...)
Pinay 1: Oh, I've been here for years!!! 20 years in New York; 35 years in the country.
Pinay 2: Long time ... you must be a citizen by now (no-brainer comment, right?! But no!)
Pinay 1: Nope, not yet. I'm so tamad to file it.
Pinay 2: Hassle?
Pinay 1: Yeah ... the form is soooo long, I don't have the time. I'm really so tamad to do it. (At this point, I was like, "Duhhh! 35 years and you don't have the time?!!!")
Pinay 2: Well, you don't really have to. You can stay as a resident and keep your Filipino citizenship.
Pinay 1: Well, no but I want to, I need to 'cause I travel ... not a lot, but I do. I want to ... 'cause you know, whenever I travel and they see my Philippine passport they're like .. (roll eyes).

And, that's how the conversation ended. I was speechless for a while but managed a smile and a weak "Have a great day!" when the elevator opened.

It made me sad to hear that. Hindi naman ako OA about being Pinoy but I'm proud of it. Not everything about it but I'm not the type who will talk badly about my country to just anyone. I will complain to Joric, my family, my friends. It stops there. I make it a point not to talk badly about our country to my children. Especially now that we're away. Anyone can ask Joric. I'm OA about that.
I wanted to tell the Lady that having brown/red/blonde hair and a new passport doesn't make her American. She's still Filipino so people in airports will still react the same way - if she expects them to. I travel too ... not a lot, but I do (pun intended) -- but I never really experienced that. Sometimes we just expect other people to scoff at us and when they do, we blame our being Filipino. Stop and think ... maybe it's YOU, not your being Filipino. Maybe it's your dress, makeup, or attitude, not our FLAG! Or better yet, maybe it's THEM because they're racists?!

Ikaw ba ang mali, tayo o sila?!

I know we feel that we don't have the best reputation in the whole world but in my short stay in New York, I've heard so many nice things about our country and our people from foreigners -- there was this French Dad in school who told me about the Filipino male nurse who took care of his Dad until he died. He said he loved that nurse, and made sure he found a new home after the Dad died. Then there's this Malaysian Mom (also at school) who came to me one day and asked me if I'm Filipino. When I said yes, she told about the wonderful time they had in the Philippines while her husband was stationed there. This woman's son was so excited to meet Aaliyah because he loved talking to Filipinos, he said. They're funny and warm. And there's this PTA Mom who kept calling me up to ask me to have a table to represent the Philippines at the school's annual International Night. She said we have a rich heritage. Wow. That was something ...

And of course, I've heard many, many people shouting "We love Pacquiao!" when they learn we're Filipinos. I know it's generic, but why not? Bask in the glory of your kababayan! Take it at face value!

There will always be people who will put us down because we are Filipinos but I believe there are more people who make us feel proud of our heritage; who will make the negative things about us trivial.   Filipino or not, we should always know what we stand for so we don't let others scoff at us. We should stop being critical of our nation unnecessarily because it gives others the license to do the same.

(Moved from FB: Jan 2012)

Jobs Loves His Job. I Do Too.

The first thing I do in the morning is check my email, then my Facebook (yes, I'm pathetic, thank you!). This morning, I saw a post from my sister's wall that inspired me to write yet another blog.  It was a quote form Steve Jobs.  It stuck the whole day because it hit the mark.

 
What Steve Jobs said is true.  It explains my sadness when I resigned from work a month ago.  Why I struggled with the thought that I will not be doing what I was doing anymore.  It was frightening and weird to wake up and not have emails to address, conference calls to dial in to, or not have my usual check-in with the team.  I hated that I don't have deadlines, that I no longer have problems to solve.  I realized that I really loved what I was doing.  I liked my job. I really like working.  That explains the emotional investment, the clarity and the boundless energy that I put in day after day.

When you like what you do, it will help you persevere in times of stress and adversity.  You might actually like most Mondays.  It also becomes natural that you develop yourself in the process especially when you embrace opportunities and consider every day as a learning experience.  You don't feel cheated off your time and energy, or need someone to show appreciation.  You don't see your job us "just work", or a source of income. If you like your job (or whatever it is that you do - school, hobby, relationship), the effort you put in becomes trivial.  Everything simply makes sense (at least most of the time) so you just do it, and enjoy the ride.

I considered my job as a game, a puzzle that I hardly tire of playing.  Of course, a little recognition helped sweeten the deal -- it's like icing on the cake.  I was told I did "great work".  Cool.  I even heard "brilliant" thrown out to describe the work we did and it inspired me to be better, and to give more. So yes, when you love what you do, there will be great results and if you're lucky, recognition and financial rewards will be served on the side too.  Soon, I hope, I will be back in the game again. It would be great to feel the rush once more.

Getting Old is Inevitable. Feeling Old is a Choice.

It's Day 7 of my FUNemployment.

The Plan:  1. Bring kids to school.  2. Go to the local recreation center.  3.  Return books to the library.  I was ready for a productive day, but little did I know that today will somehow make such a huge impact on me, it compelled me to blog.  I also realized that Anika's joke earlier turned out to be true ... Flashback:  Anika was amused when I said I was going to the "recreation" center gym.  Ever the witty child, she said, "They call it recreation because it will RECREATE you, Ma, by making your body fit-TER".  We laughed at her play with words.  Later, I realized the visit did recreate me, in a different way.

So, kids dropped off, I walked 2 more blocks to the gym.  It was my first time today.  Another attempt to put idle time to good use.  I've been meaning to get fit so this is the best time start.  When I arrived at the gym, I was amazed at the number of senior people there.  I was even more amazed at what they were capable of doing.

Senior #1, beside me on the treadmill.  For the first 20 minutes, she was walking briskly.  Same pace as mine, thank you.  I kept looking at her dashboard and yes, our speed were almost the same.  I ran for a while just to show off, but got tired 5 minutes later.  I was almost afraid of passing out. Chicken.

Anyways, on her final 10 minutes on the treadmill, she started walking backwards.  She turned around, held on to the rail and continued walking.  I almost asked her if she wanted to stop and step down so I can help her but no! It was her routine!  She was really exercising that way, and she was doing it so well.  Admirable. I swear if I did that, I will trip big time.

Senior #2 (another woman, as fit and slim as Senior #1), off at the machines section.  She had a trainor who looked so much like The Rock, or Arnold Schwarzeneger.  She was doing chin pull-ups (or whatever they call it).  I counted ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 .. blah blah blah ... 12.  Rest. Repeat.  *#&!(*^#!&.  I'm sure I won't even make it to 5 and here she was, doing the routine twice.  OMG, these ladies are so petite yet so strong and fit! 

I will stop there.  I will not talk about Senior #3, a man who was running and lifting himself alternately at the treadmill; or Senior #4 who was lifting weights at the far end of the room.

Amazing.  I was really impressed and felt a bit embarrassed at my 30-minute treadmill routine I hardly finished.  No wonder I see a lot of very agile senior citizens walking dogs, doing groceries, and even laundry on their own here.  It's all that walking that's doing them good, and the no-fat meat they sell at groceries (promise, all the fat are gone!  Di masarap mag-adobo dito!).

Then off I went to the NY Public Library to return my books.  From fitness to cerebral pursuit. Wow, todo na ito.  Plastered on the door were the free classes offered by NYPL - from ballet to yoga to computer lessons. At the counter, I overheard a Senior inquiring about the ballet lessons and again, I was amazed and impressed by it all.  She was really interested, and it made me think about my old age -- whether I will still have the same passion for things as this lady. She was determined to enlist, practically forcing the staff to sign her up even if she was told that she can just appear on the day itself.  No, she wanted to be sure she had a slot. Such persistence and did I say it was for BALLET?!

Looking around at the library, it dawned on me that 80-85% were seniors.  Naturally, they are retired and they have a lot of time on their hands but still, it's wonderful that they still prefer to brave the winter cold and go to the Library to read the papers, borrow books, and a couple were even busy using the computers (Twitting or posting on Facebook?).  There was even a couple who just returned their books and were on their way to have breakfast together. Sweet.

I felt HOPEFUL after today's experience.  Often, I fear getting old, being sick or not having anything to do.  I fear that my kids will outgrow me physically and intellectually.  I fear that I will outlive Joric, be on my own, waiting for my kids and grandchildren to visit me (telenovela moment!).  I wish I will always be sharp, agile, able and healthy but I know time will come, these will all go away but after today, I felt that it doesn't have to be that way.  I have an extremely myopic view of aging.  I now know that it can still be exciting and full - if we choose it to be that way. Life doesn't stop after retirement.  It's just another phase, one that we should be prepared to embrace and live to the fullest.

I also felt INSPIRED.  I realized that I still have a lot of time to prepare for my old age - to be fit now, so I can be healthy longer; to learn as much now, so I will gain the habit of learning; to continue to seek other people and be excited about life.  And amidst of all this, I realized that I should appreciate the time I have with loved ones and to nurture meaningful relationships that will make the years ahead more fruitful. Often (and I know Moms like me can relate), I am bogged down by too many things happening at work or at home. I complain about not having enough time, having too much work, boring chores to do, and too little sleep.  That mindset needs to change NOW -- there's always enough time, busy is good, and sleep can wait.  Thank God for today.  Thank God for Anika for saying that this day will recreate me.

Simple things that make me go WOW!

When we started living in New York a year ago, I was given the gift of TIME.  I was still working and had more domestic responsibilities but for some reason, I felt that I had more time on my hands - enough to make me appreciate the simple things I typically would take for granted. 

I want to share about two product innovations that I recently got excited about. Mababaw lang but still ... Even when I was younger, I have always been fascinated by innovative products (to the point that I bought a plastic "template" to shape my eyebrows!) and I would mentally categorize them as "must have", "nice to have" and "amusing to have, but no!".  

Today, I am writing about two simple "must haves".  These two things are simple yet innovative.  It's like with a little more thought and effort, one's life becomes much more comfortable.  Simple innovations driven by simple customer needs like mine.

Innovation #1.  Recently, I discovered that a stirrer I use everyday is actually a Stir and Plug (yes, that's what they call it.).  It's old news for most people but for me, it was plain AWESOME.  It solves my problem.  I've been buying coffee at Duane Reede at the corner of my kids' school for months.  I've been using the same stirrer and often wondered why they bothered with a plastic, decorative one if they can just use the usual popsicle stick variety.  Little did I know that this cute plastic stirrer with a decorative end is actually dual purpose -- a stirrer and a lid plug.  It was meant to meet the needs of the typical New Yorker I see everyday -- on the go, travels pretty much on foot, coffee on the way to work, or school.

So how does it work?  After stirring your scalding hot coffee, snap off the stirrer and plug the lid with the decorative tip (look closely: there's an image of coffee!).  Voila! No spills even if you brisk walk (tried it!).  Imagined or not, I feel it keeps the coffee warmer longer,  I remember a cafe I frequented in Manila used scotch tape to prevent spills for to go coffee.  They should switch to this "technology" soon!  I head their competitor, CBTL, is already using it.

Innovation #2.  Again, for a coffee drinker like me. They call it RumeCuff, patent pending.  Before I begin, allow me to share my morning and afternoon routine: walk 7 blocks to the kids' school, get a tall Starbucks Americano at a nearby Duane Reede, then walk briskly back. 

With the number of coffee I buy, I thought it might be wise to get myself my own coffee sleeve - my way of helping the environment by reusing.  When I saw RumeCuff, I said why not?!  This cuff not only helps the environment by promoting reuse, it also allows me hands-free movement especially in the winter when I prefer my hands tucked inside my coat pockets.  I can junk the hand bags for my money and house key. Sweet. Just what I needed ... if only it can also hold my iPhone.  Maybe that can be Innovation #3.  I will buy one too.  Haha.

 

So there -- simple things that make me WOW.  Until the next big Wow, or Awww!