Good Old Friends Are Hard to Find so Don't Lose Them.

This question opened our weekly team meeting today.  Fresh from a 2-day Leadership Planning session, our new Lead thought it would be a great idea to try this new approach which was shared by one of our Managing Partners. Our most charismatic Managing Partner, if I may add.

It was some sort of an ice breaker and maybe a way for all of us to get to know each other better. Some parameters were set - it has to be personal but work-appropriate, no typical answers like "the day my child was born" or "the day I got married". It has to be specific, but not so expected.  It wasn't exactly an easy question especially if you were only given a minute or less to rethink your past.  For a 40-sumthin' girl like me, that's a looooong time.

But still, I had my answer.  It was a thought I've had for quite some time -- since my Mother passed I think, or the days that followed our move to North America.  My answer was not exactly reliving the past, but more of changing something from it. In short, REGRETS.

Sometime ago, when I entered adulthood, I missed the value of cultivating relationships outside of my immediate family and workmates which was inevitable since you spend a good 10 hours a day, 5 times a week together.  It felt like all my energies were focused only on these two major relationship "categories".  I didn't spend enough time with others like my College buddies, childhood friends, and yes, even my Parents and siblings.  I felt that these relationships already exist, cultivating them wasn't as critical as cultivating new ones.

I realize that I sounded dramatic so let me say that I still had occasional moments with my old relationships ... a drink (or two) after a hectic MBA class night, birthday get-togethers, quick weekday lunches with batch mates, infrequent weekend meet ups in between errands, or those big production weekend lunches with everyone's kids and husbands. I was sufficiently social with them but looking back, I know now that the quality of the time I spent with my older relationships wasn't enough.  I felt that I wasn't always 100% there.  I was always thinking of home or even work.  I missed out on a lot of serious one-on-one sessions with my BFFs from College, weekend visits to my Parents, siblings and their family.  I was always the one with the excuse not to go, or to leave early. If my family will be left behind at home, I won't go.  I thought I had all I needed in the comfort of my own home. I was right, but partly wrong too.

I didn't spend a lot of time with old friends not because I didn't care for them anymore.  I did and I still do - I just thought our shared past is enough.  The energy was still there, the friendship was just as strong but we were so out of each others lives.  The moments of togetherness were so few that you're left with very little to talk about except the past and some updates on what you've been doing since the last meet-up 60 or so moons ago. It felt like you stopped growing together and just relive past fun times over and over and over again.  It was still cool, but it would been great to go back to that mode where arguing about differing POVs was normal, discussing current events was interesting, attack each other's value system was exciting (LOL!), etc.  It would be good go back to the time when you were both learning new things and exploring ideas together.  Just like old times when it felt safe to talk then go home and feel that you're friends more than ever.  The time when you felt that you know him or or so well you can finish each other's sentences.

As for my Parents and siblings, I had time for them.  Not a lot, and not because I was the first to seek them out.  I see them when I'm in the area. It was easy meeting with my Mother.  She comes to the house, we go have lunch, we go to the mall or have a foot spa together. My sisters and I have our long lunches too. But now that I am out of the country, I realized that the time we had wasn't enough. Now my Mom is gone and no matter how much time we spent together while she was alive, I still feel sad about the times I had no energy to stay longer, or the times we fought, or the times I was absent-mindedly just nodding while in conversation.  They were all lost opportunity. It was quality time spoiled by reality. All those taken for granted moments are now rushing back and I wish I enjoyed them more.  We could have done more, laughed more if only I wasn't so focused on my home or my life.  We could have travelled together with my Sisters but we only managed a few times.  We always said "later, when the kids are bigger" or "later, when we have more money", but we did not anticipate that I will be leaving the country, and that she will be passing on.

So now I know how important it is to cultivate relationships - old and new; to spend quality time; to be there 100% of the little time you have together.  Let it become a lesson to people like me who think that today is such a busy day, that today there is no room for relationships other than with those within the confines of your home or your office, that there is an excuse for not spending time with others who matter.  There is always room for more people in your life.  Don't ignore the rest and focus only on a few.  Spending time away from your family doesn't mean you love them less, it just means you have enough space for more in your life.  As it should be.


(Photo borrowed from www.everydaythinkers.com)