Easy Go Lucky

I can almost hear my Mother say it ... "easy-go-lucky" like it's a word or a thing.  She first described me this way when I was in College.  We were in a beauty salon and the hair stylist commented that I looked young for my age.  My Mother responded, without batting an eyelash, "Oo, easy-go-lucky kasi yan."   I felt slighted then, irritated even but now I'm just trying to keep the smile off my face as I remember her "pet name" for me.

In retrospect, I agree with her.  I was easy-going and happy-go-lucky rolled into one when I was younger so yes, Mother is right again -- "easy-go-lucky" is a thing.  Exhibit A - Jaine Catalasan.

When I was younger, I was carefree especially at home. I was the child who wouldn't bother to check if the doors are locked, or if there's food to eat, or if the house is a mess. I was serious enough about a lot of things (school, relationships, my beliefs) but I wasn't responsible, or reliable.  My family called me lazy and because they did, I just made myself even lazier. I didn't want to disappoint them ;-).

But God has a way of teaching me. He blessed me with a child at a time that I wasn't ready. I was old enough but I wasn't my age emotionally. I was barely out of College and there I was, waiting for a child I had no idea how to raise. I can feel it in my bones that family and friends thought I was going to fail BIG TIME.  But then I was stubborn, I forced myself to grow up so I can be an adult to Maia, then later to Aaliyah and Anika. I wasn't naturally nurturing or motherly or domesticated so the thought scared me A LOT. I didn't want to fail my kids so I made a decision to be a good Mother - or at least die trying.

The truth is, I never liked structure, or routine.  I have always wanted spontaneity, to do things at the drop of a hat but I knew then that that part of me will have to take a backseat. Or so I thought.  Funny thing is, nature almost always wins. Although I learned to be responsible and disciplined, a lot of times I slip - my "easy-go-lucky" self comes out, so its not unusual for us to be out on a school day watching a movie, or eat dessert for dinner, or trek to the supermarket at 9pm for ice cream.  There was one time Anika and I ate trick or treat candies for dinner while binge-watching until midnight. Not good but I'm pretty sure she loved it!

But what I lacked in Motherhood 101 skills, I compensate by being a BFF, the errand girl and cheerleader to my kids; the Mom they can talk to. My easy-go-lucky nature made it easy for me to be their friend.  I wasn't their water girl (I will likely forget the water) but I would run to the mall just before closing to get them the school stuff they needed at the last minute, embellish their costumes until midnight because they felt it was too plain, wake up early to bring them to swim or taekwondo class, or painstakingly prepare for their birthday parties, picnics and playdates. I will also sit on the bleachers for 8 hours to watch a competition, or wait at a nearby drugstore for Maia to end her 1am shift.  It's not special, I know, but I THINK my kids appreciate it, even if they catch a cold because I forgot to wipe the sweat off their backs.  Or go to school with tangled curls because I didn't bother to brush their hair.

Although at first I felt guilty, even ashamed of my mothering, over time, I have learned to forgive myself for being an "easy-go-lucky" Mom. I tried to go against my nature but I failed half the time so for my sanity, I just embraced it. It is what it is.